Today’s Reason to Go On Living: Eggs Purgatory

Sometimes it’s hard to feed yourself, so I’ve been relying on the kindness of rice cakes for the past two weeks. Rice cake with avocado, salsa and sriracha. Rice cake with almondbutter and banana. Rice cake with pink salted tears topping– it’s kind of like butterscotch, except you’re crying.

Last night I wanted a break from all that, but the only thing that I felt like eating was pasta sauce. Google “I just want to eat pasta sauce” and you get nothing. Google “things to eat with pasta sauce” and you get the words “Eggs Purgatory.” I’m right there with you, eggs.

eat this and go on with your life

Take your pasta sauce and slop it into your saddest, dirtiest pot. Take a mental picture. Imagine that picture the next time you think about stepping in front of a bus. Add chilli flakes. More than that. Keep going. Ok, stop. Introduce fire until the sauce tantrums. Sacrifice eggs to the volcano and seal their tomb with a tight fitting lid. Allow their sweet virgin blood to curdle for a few minutes. This is where you can add a thick safety-layer of parmesan cheese. If you wanted, you could not add it, but I don’t recommend that. Don’t bother getting a bowl, eat it right from the pot– you’re not going anywhere tonight.

SEAMLESS SEGUE

When you have repetitively shit ideas bouncing around your skull, or a mean thought that you just keep thinking, try to diffuse it. When I’m being a jerk and thinking to myself “You’ll never be able to do a headstand,” I tell that jerk “…WITH THAT KIND OF ATTITUDE!” right after. It’s a habit now, so it doesn’t feel like a lie anymore. Just remember, June is only 4 months away. UGH, but first there’s February. And March.

2 comments

  1. Mamafish says:

    March 22nd is Penn&Teller, so it is now a destination month

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