The thing about writing novels is that it’s terrible, terrible, terrible, and completely necessary for me.
In September of 2014, I went down to 4 days a week at the office so that I could spend more time focusing on my writing. I try not to be ashamed of how it’s the bravest thing I’ve ever done. Because it wasn’t that brave at all.
My friends were supportive. In the months leading up to my decision, I interviewed a handful of artists who I know. I wanted them to tell me things like, “art is always fantastic, perfect, fun, goodgoodgood stuff,” but none of them did. They all seemed to agree that art was hard, that people were mean, and that they were ok anyway.
Work was supportive. I had been sitting where my dad put me for over 9 years by the time I asked them to cut my hours. They said they hoped my performance wouldn’t suffer if my heart wasn’t in it. I assured them that my heart placement to performance dynamic would not be altered.
Jeremy was supportive. Nothing seems to rattle that man. For the better part of the past 6 years I had been telling him to give up on his dreams and get financially stable, and then there I went following his example. I told him he’d be in charge of buying food from September onwards, and he shrugged OK.
My family were supportive. Dad slipped me a cheque so that I could still afford to go on vacation. Mom hugged me and cried. Damien brought me books to read, and Grandma volunteered to be my editor.
And yet, I am alone in this. I am the only one who can do it. I have so much support, all the resources, and maybe even the skill. But my opinion of myself is lacking. The only person I need to satisfy, impress, love, and be loved by is myself. And it is a challenge.
That’s where you come in again! My friends. My inspiration. Watching you, following you, lurking, creeping, whatever. I’m so afraid of letting you down. I am afraid that you’ll decide not to like me, the way I’ve decided not to like myself. But in your lives I see reflections of my own, so I have permission to love that part of me. Because I love you. Relationships are hard and scary and terribly, terribly, terribly important.
I have started a tumblr that I’d be so so happy if you followed. A lot of it will be familiar to a lot of you, because you are the sources of a lot of the posts! This particular tumblr is specific to my novels, and the things that inspire me to create. Textures, people, actions. Tools, resources, motivation. It’s called The Stone Rows, and it will all make sense one day.
That’s kind of my motto lately.