How do you harness and then focus your creative energy? Is it by calling yourself and your ideas stupid, and then laying down? That’s been my method so far.
I want to connect with people so badly. I think it’s one of the things that makes us human, this desire to connect, communicate, and belong. It’s isolating when you feel like nobody gets you. Sometimes I feel like nobody gets me. That’s usually when I feel the most pressure to create, when I’m lonely– when I want somebody to say, “Hannah, I am with you. A million miles away, I am still totally with you.” But then there’s the potential that the thing you create in that moment of desperate yearning won’t touch anybody. That’s your high-five left hanging in front of everyone. That’s empirical evidence that you don’t fit in. OH, HOW I WANT TO FIT IN.
I had a party recently, and as soon as my last guest left, I began a run-through of what I perceived to be my flaws that evening. Too sarcastic. Too weird. Too bossy. Too shallow. Too proud. Too proud! HAH! That’s when I knew I was out of control. I was just thinking of things that people don’t like and then pasting them onto myself. But why? Why would I think of things for my friends to not like about me? I’ve taken wanting to fit in too far; I’ve let myself think that other people define my value for me. It’s no wonder that I power-down if nobody’s telling me that I deserve the air I’m breathing. I saw a problem in myself. And what do we do when we see problems in ourselves?
Lay face-down? No. Stop that. We resolve to improve.
My birthday resolution is as follows:
- Breathe deep
- Care less
It seems kinda anti-climatic for such a serious situation, but hear me out. Remember when you were a kid, and one day, somebody that you respected told you to stop being weird? And how it was only then that you “realized” that you were weird? We are born ourselves, but then we spend the rest of our lives trying to make ourselves palatable. This isn’t intrinsically a bad thing. Some of your impulses and urges need to be tweaked if you’re going to get along with everyone else– but you shouldn’t have to hide who you are, because then you’re going have to find yourself when your life starts falling apart. Carl Jung has covered enantiodromia much better than I can, so I’ll get to my point. When I was a kid, how did I psych myself up to sing along to Sesame Street? What did I do to mentally prepare before drawing a bunny? Nothing. I was just chilling.
Ok guys, good talk. Now look at this makeup. What? Shhhhh.
I’m going bonkers for this Urban Decay eyeshadow palate. It’s matte nudes, except for the first one, which is a tiny bit shimmery. ~HIGHLIGHTER, much?~ Oh, Hannah, didn’t you show us a highlighter last time? Uh, yes, a STICK highlighter. Totally different. Also pictured is Smashbox’s brightening eye primer, a nice Anastasia twist-up brow pencil, MAC’s Plushlash mascara (my most fav mascara ever), and a creamy brown Gel Liner. Brown? Yeah, trust me– dark brown gel liners are gonna blow your mind. You gotta use a brush to put it on, but it’s worth it.
Nyo my gad, everybody get dark lipstick now. I’ll wait. Also get a lip pencil, otherwise it will look sloppy. If you’re feeling innovative, you can lube your lips with beeswax and then use the lip pencil all over them for matte lipstick that doesn’t pull. You’re welcome!
Um, um, is that another highlighter? LISTEN IT WAS FREE OK?! Also pictured: spot concealer, and slightly opalescent face powder.
Well everybody, that’s all for my mind and face today. Stay tuned this winter for Seasonal Affective Disorder with smatterings of Bipolarity!